THE TRIBULATIONS OF VAMPIRE TORTOISE.
What if tortoises were vampires?
What if vampires were a tortoise?
These are questions we’ve all asked ourselves.
Read on to find out.
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[ONE DAY, A MILD-MANNERED TORTOISE]
[*exuding mildness of manner*]
[…WAS BITTEN BY A VAMPIRE BAT!]
[DESPITE THE MILDNESS OF HIS MANNERS…
…THE TORTOISE BEGAN TO FEEL…
[“I would like to suck your blood very very slowly please?”]
[“Ooh, I’m right parched.”]
[IT’S NOT VERY EASY FOR A TORTOISE TO CORNER A COMELY MAIDEN IN A LOW-CUT NIGHTGOWN AND SUCK HER BLOOD]
[“Please come over here I only need 5cc or so, I hope that’s no bother”]
[*going quite rapidly for a tortoise*]
[“I’m going to walk slowly away in this direction, bye.”]
[*flutter of batty little wings*]
[…SO, VAMPIRE TORTOISE FLEW HOME…]
[(TO THE FANCY CASTLE WHICH YOU GET FROM THE UNION WHEN YOU BECOME A VAMPIRE)]
[…AND HAD A MANGO LASSI INSTEAD]
[“Well, this was a much better idea.”]